Anthony - this is on a grand scale - best of luck with it. What I found odd is that your summary doesn't mention anything about electronic identity theft or any sci-fi elements at all. Not sure if this is intentional or that the sci-fi part is too small or doesn't merrit mention because it is only a tool in how the human drama unfolds anyway.
Good luck.

Powerful story, Anthony.

I wonder if it would be even more powerful if you started it from the end, when Charlie is broken down, and everything that led him to this situation is revealed as Eddie and Betty try to snap him out of booze and drugs and he goes through the process of trying to start a new gang.

Either way, you have some juicy stuff there :)

As far as the logline is concerned, what is the overall goal of our hero, and what is the conflict standing in his way?
1. He wants to take over the mob.
2. Friend and foe stand in his way.

I really appreciate that you took the time to include the summary, as it helps to flesh out the logline.
My question is: There was no mention of the electronic identify theft. It should play a big role in the story, yes? And does this have to be in the future? What do you mean by work-camp, because it sounds like: with the FBI and the Mob, that this is just briefly after WWI/WWII with the concentration camps. I'm just riffing here.
Why small, GO big or GO home./ This sounds like an epic. Why not make it as big as it can be?
There's a lot in the Summary that may I call it backstory? I'm guessing we'll start when the opportunity arises for him to either A) decide whether he wants to join the Mob. B) he's in the mob (as everyday life concerns) and he's just been given the opportunity to become Leader. Or C) That was all backstory and he's returned to his old life and now needs to infiltrate this small mob using the electronic identity theft thing.

Charlie is fighting to survive, even in the mob, just one thing after the next. If that's your story... Great! He's a survivor. But, your hero needs to be active. From the Summary, he sounds closer to being a reactor. I think your logline would help, as the ending Summary reads more like a story about revenge. If that's the theme you want. On the FBI, the old/new Mob.

I'd like to take another crack at the logline once the summary is fleshed out. :)

Hi Joshua,

My story takes place in the future. In the first 10 pages I explain that the government got rid of public education, people are divided basically into classes, 'Scants' and 'Citizens'. Scants are the poor and if you aren't lucky enough to have or develop a saleable skill or talent, you are a share-cropper to the government in a work camp. Charlie escapes the camps then teaches himself the art of the 'cleft' or how to separate someone from their 'e-Dent', encrypted permanent identity file.
What I didn't include in the summary was that Charlie unknowingly cleft a member of the mob who tracks him down and almost kills him. The only reason he lives is that the mob boss is impressed that he was able to break the mobsters cybernetic security. The boss then gives Charlie two options, complete a seemingly impossible cleft or die. The job is a cyborg bodyguard for a high-profile D.A. who's been harassing the mob. I'd like to note that Charlie is still in a wheelchair with two broken legs and one broken arm at this point. I'm working out the specific details after that but he does fall in love with his physical therapist who will become his love interest/protector through most of the story.
Charlie's real flaw comes out later. He came from nothing, has always had nothing but when he gets a taste of the good life it takes him over. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. The mob boss will die and its through a series of clever clefts of the mobs enemies that he gains the uneasy support of the rest of the gang. The mob family will grow too big to be ignored and that's what sets off the chain of events that leads to his downfall. Someone trying to take away all that he has amassed. This is also what will cause his eventual break from those closest to him and ultimately his death.
In short this movie will be kinda like Terminator meets Scarface.

Hi Anthony, your story sounds interesting. A movie comp with a cross between Terminator meets Scarface will sure have a lot of action. That sounds like my kind of movie. My story, like yours, has a cop that gets an ultimatum from the mob to work for them or die. That's so funny. I am sure that after this 30 day challenge, we all will make some revisions to create a more focused story. Keep up the good work.

Anthony,

I dismiss all charges lol.
Thank you for the summary, honestly, I was not expecting so much of the story to be fleshed out from that original summary. So kudos to you sir.

Logline:
1. Our hero - Defining trait: paraplegic (sympathy/possible underdog), determined, survivor, identity thief, work-camp escapee.
2. Goal - survive/attain the love of Betty/become rich and powerful mob boss/Hide true identity.
3. Conflict - FBI/Mob. Possible dramatic irony: He's a scant, must keep secret (even from Betty? Dramatic irony? Traditional RomCom plot device?)
(motivation seems to acquire love of Betty, and that puts pressure on the conflict that arises of true identity from both Mob/FBI? Possible: cybernetic terminator like agents?Scants are now being killed in work-camps?)

Questions that remain: I'm not sure how cleft works, so I apologize! Maybe I don't need to know, after-all it's just a logline you're after. Which, I think works really well already, so very good job! However, the new summary does say something in me that thinks it could be more concise. There's a whole world building prospect here that I have no clue about. So I may not have the 'faculty' to actually help any further. i.e. Do people know about cleft? Do they just believe what the identity card says since it's classed as permanent? why not have cyber-robot work camps? (maybe he met the dude who created it in the camp? and that's how he is the only one that can do it...) Anyways, I don't mean to infringe on your story because I think there's so many directions you could take it/

Original Logline:
In the future, a work-camp escapee masters the art of electronic identity theft to take over a small mafia family and must survive friend and foe alike to build an empire.

HERO/GOAL/CONFLICT are met. And I agree, I think this needs a SET-UP line in the beginning so it all makes sense, as you've done "In the future".

My personal Tips:
1. I would try honing in on the actual conflict. Think specific.
FBI/MOB/His Past/Identity?
2. Is there a more defined/better adj for him? a paraplegic? work-camp survivor? thief? determined? Hapless?

This is my take. It's rough. And I apologize if I've infringed on your idea, it's just how I felt after reading the New Summary and Original Logline: here goes...

A hapless paraplegic is mistaken for a mobster by the FBI, and becomes torn between his mission to rise in rank, and protecting the woman he loves.

Granted: this isn't actually your mix of movies. It's more closely related to North by Northwest and any old Romcom (not that this is a romcom, but for the identity love-interest thing between scants and citizens). SO!:
HERO: A hapless paraplegic (we'll find out in the story why...)
GOAL: To protect the woman he loves (along with his identity)
CONFLICT: Incarceration by FBI/Death by Mob/And internal stakes. lol

Possible Themes: Can't hide from your past/Love conquers all/Power corrupts absolutely/etc..
Note: I feel a lot of the DRAMA will stem from Charlie's relationship with Betty. Am I wrong? I like how she may be a citizen and think that scants aren't to be trusted, possibly in her backstory, or cultural society prejudice. Maybe she's a mob therapist? And so he needs to keep his true identity hidden, maybe scants have a record, they are labelled, he can get his citizenship if he WORKS with the FBI? Anyways, so many possibilities and I love it! I love how even his original motivation may be even to take her out of this mob life (at first) because to him, it's just like another work camp, and maybe she can't see that or she does?? I'm just really excited about that Summary, haha, sorry, so many scenes to come to mind, and it really does play out well from Act 1: Status quo, escape camp, Cleft for citizen identity, introduce Betty? life will be okay - Plot point 1: Mob/FBI find out about true identity, (they'll tell Betty?) Joins the Mob, (to keep identity?) - Act 2: Does the Cleft for Mob, romantic interest plays up, danger is foreshadowed, mob boss can't be trusted? On a leash, feels like in camp still, needs to find a way out... Therapy session reveals Betty loves that Charlie is powerful or has some riches from Mob (unbeknownst to her) and gives him the courage, as sign to take next step, in relationship to her and mob... and his ultimate rise to power. -Act 2 Turn- FBI (possibly they had him from earlier and he was undercover all along?) okay, I'm gonna stop haha.

Okay uh,... i wrote that above but it put someone else's name... TALK ABOUT IDENTITY THEFT. (gonna try to report this error.

Love your enthusiasm. It means that my story is already going in the right direction. Some key points:

Cleft (singular and/or noun) in the future is like car theft or hacking today. Anyone can try it but only a few ever truly master it. Its a Class 1 Felony.
Clefts are like rock stars in the criminal world. Reliable Clefts are hired over and over by the mob until they are caught and sentenced from 20 to life.
A 'cleft' ID is like a stolen credit card or cell phone. It will only work for so long before it becomes invalid and re-encrypted by the system but its big business.
A cleft of a millionaires ID, can have money, property, investments even insurance and health care transfered to another person who can make it all disappear.

Betty is a 'probate' or probational citizen. They are supposed to be able to earn full citizenship using their marketable skills but never do.
She actually knows Charlie from the camps when he was a child. Charlie, who fall in love with her from first sight, eventually figures out who she is.
Charlie is what is called an 'escapee', a scant that has run off from the camps, if discovered by law enforcement they are to be shot on sight. Which is why he doesn't use anything he clefts for himself. If the cleft ID stops working in the middle of use the police will be called. If he is ever arrested the cops will find out that he is not only a scant but an escapee.
He is not a paraplegic, the mobster he clefts in the beginning breaks his arms and legs. To join the mob he has to complete the impossible cleft while he is healing.
During shoot outs, his cousin Eddie will always fight with him and Betty will always come after to bandage him up. Even from wounds that should have killed him.
Eddie is kind of a coward at the beginning but by the end I intend for him to be as hard as steel both mentally and physically. He'll be adding some cyborg parts.

To the mob Eddie is a hostage that they will try to use against Charlie before and after the mob boss dies.
Once Charlie takes over the mob rather than run clefts again the rich and famous, he goes Robin Hood and runs them against other mobsters and high profile criminals. Which is why the feds leave him alone until the gang becomes too big. This tactic proves very successful and the other mobs want him dead. His success is also why some of his own gang, still loyal to the old boss try to kill him.
I'm considering having Charlie dealings with an FBI Agent after he's boss but not sure yet. I have to see where that goes.

Thats about all I have right now. If you want to read the first 15-20 pages (or whatever I'm up to) I'd be happy to send them to you. Just private message me with the right name. LOL.

Wow, there seem to be some major glitches with the forum posting things under other people's names... I hope they straighten that out.

Love your enthusiasm. It means that my story is already going in the right direction. Some key points:

Cleft (singular and/or noun) in the future is like car theft or hacking today. Anyone can try it but only a few ever truly master it. Its a Class 1 Felony.
Clefts are like rock stars in the criminal world. Reliable Clefts are hired over and over by the mob until they are caught and sentenced from 20 to life.
A 'cleft' ID is like a stolen credit card or cell phone. It will only work for so long before it becomes invalid and re-encrypted by the system but its big business.
A cleft of a millionaires ID, can have money, property, investments even insurance and health care transfered to another person who can make it all disappear.

Betty is a 'probate' or probational citizen. They are supposed to be able to earn full citizenship using their marketable skills but never do.
She actually knows Charlie from the camps when he was a child. Charlie, who fall in love with her from first sight, eventually figures out who she is.
Charlie is what is called an 'escapee', a scant that has run off from the camps, if discovered by law enforcement they are to be shot on sight. Which is why he doesn't use anything he clefts for himself. If the cleft ID stops working in the middle of use the police will be called. If he is ever arrested the cops will find out that he is not only a scant but an escapee.
He is not a paraplegic, the mobster he clefts in the beginning breaks his arms and legs. To join the mob he has to complete the impossible cleft while he is healing.
During shoot outs, his cousin Eddie will always fight with him and Betty will always come after to bandage him up. Even from wounds that should have killed him.
Eddie is kind of a coward at the beginning but by the end I intend for him to be as hard as steel both mentally and physically. He'll be adding some cyborg parts.

To the mob Eddie is a hostage that they will try to use against Charlie before and after the mob boss dies.
Once Charlie takes over the mob rather than run clefts again the rich and famous, he goes Robin Hood and runs them against other mobsters and high profile criminals. Which is why the feds leave him alone until the gang becomes too big. This tactic proves very successful and the other mobs want him dead. His success is also why some of his own gang, still loyal to the old boss try to kill him.
I'm considering having Charlie dealings with an FBI Agent after he's boss but not sure yet. I have to see where that goes.

Thats about all I have right now. If you want to read the first 15-20 pages (or whatever I'm up to) I'd be happy to send them to you. Just private message me with the right name. LOL.