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Complicating my Logline?
This logline is honestly the hardest part for me to articulate correctly the idea or story that I'm developing but telling you the precise words to let you know there's some depth to it. I'm trying not to sound like some simple cliche and at the same time not have my logline be a paragraph.
If it's okay, I want to show you what I have the replacement words I'm struggling to plug in.

Currently to replace hidden: I'm thinking of shrouded, undisclosed, veiled or undisclosed, veiled (together)
To plug in between " but _____ revealed"( we could use another word than but) I'm thinking simultaneously, collectively, concurrently, connectedly or meanwhile.

Current logline:
" A timid, softspoken lamp lighter of a hidden world is thrust into a position of protecting a modern city from flesh-eating beasts but reveals the savage, inhumane secrets of his corrupt leaders."

And of course I can't settle on "a modern city or his or a city" but that's my problem, I feel like I'm putting a lot of effort in my logline because I want it to be interesting and enticing but am I overdoing it. I haven't even started the 3 acts yet.

With addition to help with my logline, how much effort is too much? When do I know I have something simple and pitchable?
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Molly Alexander
Hi Jesani,
I am not an expert, but I think simplicity is the best way most times.
Here is an example of your logline:
A timid lamplighter from a hidden world is forced to protect a modern city from flesh-eating beasts and expose his inhumane, savage leaders.

I hope that helps. :)
Best of luck!

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264 week(s) ago

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